Men vs. Women
Things Only Women Understand
Cats' facial expressions.
The need for the same style of shoes in different
colors.
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
Fat clothes.
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best
time.
The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash curlers.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
Other women.
Things You'll Never Hear A
Woman Say
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of
just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to
douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to
much for a designer dress.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
This diamond is way too big!
I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get
to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right, again.
Things You'll Never Hear A Man
Say
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts
are just too big.
Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie
I gotta see!
While I'm up, can I get you anything?
No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.
Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be
held.
Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch
Melrose Place.
Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions
We never talk anymore.
The Perfect Day According to a
Man
10:00am Wake up.
10:02am Oral sex.
10:15am Big breakfast.
11:30am Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous
blonde with big jugs.
2:15pm Enormous lunch.
3:00pm Oral sex.
3:15pm Play sports with the guys.
4:00pm Drink beer with guys.
6:00pm Meet Claudia Schiffer.
6:10pm Oral sex.
6:25pm Huge dinner, more beer.
11:00pm Full on, get down, gorilla sex.
The Perfect Day According to a
Woman
8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses.
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale.
9:30am Light breakfast.
11:00am Sunbathe.
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
1:30pm Shopping.
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30
pounds.
3:00pm Facial massage and nap.
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing.
10:00pm Make love.
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms.
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect
her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine
& dine her, buy things for her, listen to her,
care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the
ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked, with beer.
Man's Rules for Woman
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Don't make us guess.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's
just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than cats.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't
expect us to like it.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will.
Mark anniversaries.
Share the bathroom.
Share the closet.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See
a doctor.
Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
Great Reasons To Be A Guy
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for
hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at
me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a
little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than
five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons.
Men are Like
Placemats - they only show up when there's food on
the table.
Mascara - they usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Bike helmets - they're good in emergencies but
usually just look silly.
Government bonds - they take so long to mature.
Copiers - you need them in reproduction but that's
about it.
Lava lamps - fun to look at it but not all that
bright.
Bank accounts - without a lot of money they don't
generate a lot of interest.
High heels - they're easy to walk on once you get the
hang of it.
Mini skirts - if your not careful they'll creep up
your legs.
Handguns - keep one around long enough and your gonna
want to shoot it.
